A good marriage takes talk, and talk takes time. If
you need convincing, a television report just confirmed it: couples that
communicate with each other at least 30 minutes a day are happier.
1. The morning vow.
Forbes said recently that a common thread of
successful people is their commitment to early morning routines.
Successful people allot chunks of those hours to what they love. So
besides hygiene and exercise, at our house, our prime early hours
include our vows. Out loud. My husband vows to love me "as Christ loved
the church," and I vow to "love, cherish, honor, and respect" him. (I
may add "and to have a gentle spirit" for those times of short patience
and my sharp tongue.)
2. The nightly check-in.
Not just Forbes but the writer of Ecclesiastics
says two are better than one because it improves the return for their
labor. This is wisdom straight up. The sage continues, "If either falls,
the one will lift up his companion." So in the evening, as we prepare
for bed, my husband and I will check our companion status. "Did I honor
my vow to you today?" The usual answer is "yes," but occasionally one of
us has tripped, and in those cases, we tell the other of the slight,
insult or hurtful thing done or said (or not done or said), followed by:
"How may I make amends?" The effect is like turning an Etch-A-Sketch
over and shaking hard; we have a new screen.
3. Affirm.
"What would you like me to know?" one of us asks. Or "What would you like to hear?" This part of communicare
may prompt the other to say, "I need to hear ‘I love you,' or ‘I
appreciate all you did today.'" Turns out neither of us reads minds;
but if one partner can voice exactly what's needed, the other can
respond. Check.
4. Confirm.
"Thanks for saying you appreciate all I got done today.
That matters." Each of us wants to know we're on the other's radar.
We're saying, "I hear you."
5. Pray.
Less than 1 percent of the couples that pray together daily
will divorce, a stat says. Amen to that. Sometimes my husband prays out
loud, sometimes I do. We thank God for the day, for doors that opened
(or shut), for people, for our sacred relationships with Him and with
each other.
Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do and that
excellence is no single act but a continued habit. And though he likely
said it in Greek, I feel certain his words also made the circuit in
Latin, bringing us back to what it means to "come together."
Whatever language you and your spouse use, the point is, as
every mother tells her two year old, to "use your words." No day is
problem-free, no marriage will be. But face time and talk, early and
often, is the kind of all-year-long ritual that keeps the Valentine
factor fresh.
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